Stairway to Heaven
I skipped our family bike ride yesterday (which has fast become an after-dinner ritual in our household) to set out on foot for some much needed solitude. You see, earlier that morning I got a call from my cousin, Jeremy, informing me that my beloved Uncle Erwin (88) had passed away.
Although his passing was expected after having suffered a massive stroke the week before, the actual news of his death sent me into a tailspin of anxiety and grief – the same upheaval of emotions that have plagued me off and on for the past 30 or so years since losing my father to a heart attack at age 9.
Not 10 minutes into my trek along the wooded trails by our house, the tears began to spill … and before I registered where my legs were carrying me, my walk had turned into a full out run.
The Immeasurable Feeling of Loss
I’ve lost three uncles since January of this year: Uncle Clem, Uncle Carl and now my Uncle Erwin. Over the years, these three men (along with my uncles who are still living) have helped – in one way or another – fill a void in my life left gaping open from growing up without a dad. In different ways I’ve clung to each of them, feeding off the love and kindness they’ve consistently shown me – a love that felt the closest to that of a father. Though time and therapy have healed my wounds, the immeasurable feeling of loss still lingers. It’s times like this that remind me of its stronghold, how it can still so easily pounce on me and take advantage of my excessive hunger for a father … that yearning that still wraps its fingers around my throat, leaving me with a hallow feeling in the pit of my stomach that nothing on this earth can come close to taking away.
Accepting Who I am
But all these emotions that I carry on my sleeve make me who I am – and who I am yet to become. Without what I have gone through, I’d probably be living an ordinary life, working an ordinary job, with ordinary dreams – at least by my own interpretation. I would not be here talking to you like this and laying everything out on the table. I wouldn’t be living a life of blind ambition, believing that God wants me to make good on the gifts he has given me to reach my highest potential – a potential He set for me long before the beginning of time.
So as my family and I make the trip tomorrow to my uncle’s funeral in Louisiana, I will remember once again how and why I’ve come to be who I am. But on the other side of that, the side that my mortal mind cannot yet comprehend, my uncle is now in a place that transcends anything that we will ever be able to imagine here on earth. You see, my Uncle Erwin, God rest his gentle soul, had his first death about 14 years ago. That’s right. He flat-lined for 10 or so minutes while doctors and nurses frantically worked to bring him back. And he did come back, because that’s what he said God wanted. “You’re work’s not done yet,” God told him. God then gently turned him around and sent him back the way he came – in a horizontal position, gliding on air as thin as the clouds. He indeed came back to us in full mind and body, although he would tell me later how he had desperately wanted to stay.
Angels in the Bedroom
About a month ago, my mom had the opportunity to spend some quality time with Erwin, the brother to the husband she lost more than 30 years before. During their visit, Erwin told my mom of the angels who visited him each night. “They come and lie down on my bed, so I sleep in the chair so I won’t disturb them,” he told her. “Do you believe me?”
“Yes, I believe you Erwin,” she said. “I believe you.”
And I believe, too. Because at the end of our lives, we’ll have no choice but to follow and believe.
***
My boys and I with my Uncle Erwin and Aunt Nan. A published author and poet,
Nan passed away in early 2011.
Beautiful piece on grief and identity and vulnerability. I am sorry for your loss and wish you safe travels.
thank you, Christie. I’m so thankful for the ability to put this into words. Perhaps it can help comfort others who walk the same path.
So sorry for your loss. Beautiful writing!
Thank you, my friend! Had another post planned but I was moved to write this. When do you head to BlogHer? So excited for you!
Sent from my iPhone
Hi Stephanie! I am so sorry that you have lost another dear uncle. I know that he is in a place more amazing than we could ever imagine here on earth and that someday you will be reunited with him to experience a joy that we have not yet felt.
I am actually going to leave a response today that is longer than 10 words, despite the fear that what I write might be misunderstood or even ridiculed by someone. I am also trying to ignore the pit of frustration in my stomach due to the fact I lost my first draft of this when I clicked the “Edit” button in my final attempt to figure out how to italicize something. So, I am rewriting this in between requests for fruit snacks and for me to come look at dead bugs and other things.
In a previous post, you had asked what books we like to read. In the days since I read that post, I have written and revised several responses to your question in my head. I haven’t officially submitted a response maybe because I just haven’t harnessed the time to do it or maybe because I am scared. I am pretty sure it’s both.
To answer your question, when I read, I read the Bible or Christian nonfiction. I devour books about people that have been to heaven or hell, and I absolutely believe that your Uncle Erwin experienced the amazing things of which he spoke. It’s not that I don’t want to read fiction; it’s just that I don’t spend enough time reading, so when I do, I feel the call to read God’s Word. I also feel the call to serve God in a much bigger way than I do now. I am not sure of God’s plan for me yet, but I think it is prison ministry. I received training for prison ministry about 7 years ago, but I just haven’t stepped out to do it, yet.
If I feel connected to the author and/or the subject matter, I do read fiction. In fact, the last work of fiction that I read is a wonderfully written story titled LITTLE 15. (Sadly, I can’t figure out how to underline or italicize that!) I have an awful habit of plopping down in front of the TV (time vaporizer) when I want to relax and unwind. My goal is to read for fun instead! So, I’m waiting for the next one from my favorite creative writer and published author, Stephanie Saye! In the meantime, I am going to read The Shack. I picked it up at my mother-in-law’s house last weekend and loved what I read.
Well, I am about to submit for the second time. Fear, get back down to where you belong!
First of all Laurie, you are one of the readers I always look forward to hearing from. So thank you for taking the time to craft this very thoughtful and insightful comment between fetching snacks and dead bugs from your two most adorable boys.
I have no doubt in my heart and mind that God has huge plans for you. There’s a certain warmth about you – a certain gentleness and understanding that many yearn for but only a few are blessed to have.
I’ve always said that God doesn’t close the door on sinners but instead he opens it wide, so they might run back in. God needs helpers on this earth. He can’t do his wonderful work alone. And that’s where people like you come in. If you are drawn to prison ministry, then that is God’s hand gently nudging you along. Remember, God wants us to make good on our gifts in order to reach our highest potential. So go make good on yours. Take tiny steps if needed.
When it comes to books, we have similar tastes. In fact, The Shack by William P. Young is one of my all time favorite books. I could read that book over and over and it would still blow me away. Please let me know what you think after you’re done reading it.
Have you read Heaven Is For Real? If not, go out and get it post haste. Look up Joyce Meyer, too. She’s a wonderful minister and a great person of faith. Her books on spiritual growth are amazing. Her book on Approval Addiction changed my life.
This is wonderful feedback, Laurie! You have inspired me to write a future post on my all-time favorite books and invite my readers to do the same!
Sent from my iPhone
Thank you so much, Stephanie! You truly are a motivator and an inspiration to me and so many others! I am so glad I met you.
I have read Heaven is for Real….loved it! Colton’s aunt is a friend of mine from church. She is a wonderful person and servant of God. I have also read some of Joyce Meyer’s books, but not Approval Addiction. I will read that! Thank you for the suggestions!
Thank you for encouraging me, Stephanie!
It’s my pleasure, Laurie. Thank you for being such a loyal reader of my blog.
I am so sorry to hear of another loss for you and your family. God does have a plan for all of us and all that happens is just part of his plan. Your Uncle Erwin’s time in your plan of life was complete. It’s time for a new chapter, one that I know will bring you closer to finding more peace in your life.
You had to face so many things, so young, that most people don’t have to face until they are older and have the tools that life gives them to deal with loss. My heart always went out to you whenever you talked of your Dad and I could see the love and yearning that was there. Your wonderful brother always tried to fill that space, but there is nothing quite like a Dad. You have been very lucky to have such wonderful men in your life. My faith tells me that those men were sent to be by your side by both your Dad and God.
Travel safe sweet Stephanie and know that my thoughts, prayers and love are with you and all of your family.
Oh sweet Kim. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. God also sends people like you to comfort those who mourn. And you are so right – God has a plan. For all of us!
I’m so sorry Stephanie. So much has happened this year. I pray that we will have much happiness in our family the rest of the year.
Gosh, I agree. Done with all this for a while. Now we just need to get your mother-in-law well. Had a great conversation with them earlier this week.