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Posts tagged ‘motivational speaker’

Teacher-Student Romance: Is It Ever OK?

This was the first question out of the blocks at last night’s Lake Highland’s Women’s League Book Club (LHWL) meeting, where I was invited to speak and discuss my novel, Little 15.

This feisty group of well-read women had no qualms whatsoever of voicing their opinions, albeit politely and with grace. As soon as the book club leader posed this question, the comments started to fly, with the overwhelming majority saying NO.

Absolutely not, they said. It’s never OK for a teacher to have a romantic relationship with a high school student. Why? Drawing from their own teenage emotional experiences, as well as those of their children,  the LHWL Book Club concluded simply that teenagers do not have the emotional maturity or psychological reasoning to distinguish the difference between infatuation and genuine love.

The Anatomy of the Teen Brain

These ladies are definitely on to something. Over the years, I’ve run across several studies supporting this notion, including the Teenage Brain by The National Geographic. This extensive report highlighted brain-imaging technology that’s enabled researchers to see the teen brain in enough detail to track both its physical development and its patterns of activity. As it turns out, our brains take longer to develop than we once thought. In fact, it’s not until we reach our 20s do our brains fully mature, giving us optimal reasoning ability and decision-making power. This might help to explain why teens behave with such “vexing inconsistency: beguiling at breakfast, disgusting at dinner; masterful on Monday, sleepwalking on Saturday.”

The slow and uneven developmental arc revealed by these imaging studies offers an alluringly pithy explanation for why teens may do stupid things like drive at 113 miles an hour, aggrieve their ancientry, and get people (or get gotten) with child: They act that way because their brains aren’t done! -Teenage Brain, National Geographic, October 2011

So knowing this then, where should the responsibility lie in situations when the relationship between a teacher and student goes to far?

According to the women of the LHWL Book Club, whose members include attorneys, business owners,  mothers, and philanthropists, the responsibility should rest solely in the hands of the teacher, hands down. And I couldn’t agree more.  Teachers who cannot set boundaries with their students (or keep those boundaries themselves) have no place in the classroom. Period.

The Lake Highlands Women’s League Book Club – Dallas, Texas.

Stories Shared, Stories Told

It still amazes how teacher-student sex abuse affects so many people in so many different ways. Such was the case last night, when the LHWL book clubbers shared stories on how this issue has touched their lives. For example, there was the story of the college roommate who carried over a secretive relationship with her tennis coach from high school. Or the story of a husband and father, sneaking young girls into fancy hotels for photos and sex play. Or the book clubber who knew personally the attorney who represented the family of an Episcopal School of Dallas student who took stand and sued the school for mishandling the girl’s affair with a teacher.

All of this talk led to an increased awareness of what can happen if parents and schools aren’t vigilant about keeping watch over the adults to whom we entrust our kids. And perhaps that’s the most rewarding part of this journey for me: It’s one thing for a work of fiction to move a reader, but it’s quite another for a work fiction to raise awareness.

So what do you think? Is it ever OK for a teacher to date a student? And when these relationships do happen, who do you believe is to blame? Do the students bear any responsibility?

Related stories:

Little 15 Passes Book Club Test

Secrecy Typical of Sexual Abuse

Secrecy Typical of Sexual Abuse

“She often told me never to tell anyone — how much trouble she’d be in.”

These are the words of a Toronto teenager, describing how his former teacher manipulated him into keeping their sexual relationship shrouded in secrecy. The teenager says he and the Toronto elementary school teacher developed a romantic relationship starting when he was 14.

“She would express her feelings toward me, how she’s happier now that she is in my life,” the student was quoted as saying in a news story that appeared in the Hamilton Spectator Sept. 12, 2012.

‘Never Tell Anyone’

Like so many abusers, Coach Daniel Krum grossly exploits his position of power as a respected teacher and coach.

This way of manipulation – when an abuser asks his or her victim to keep silent about what’s going on – is a typical form of control in cases of sexual abuse.

The abuser in my novel – 35-year-old Daniel Krum, a respected teacher, family man and coach – is no different. When his relationship with student-athlete Lauren Muchmore crosses the line, he uses this same tactic – glazed with a subtle combination of flattery and charm -  to keep the situation in check.

Daniel: “I want so badly to kiss you again.”

Lauren: “You do?”

Daniel: “Yes I do very much. Is that OK?”

Lauren: “Yes it’s OK, but what if someone finds out?”

Daniel: “No one will find out because I won’t let that happen. This is our special secret. Don’t you trust me?”

Coach Krum continues to manipulate 15-year-old Lauren throughout the book, preying on her teenage insecurities, unstable family life and the fact that he holds authority over her as her basketball coach. In a particularly profound scene after the two have sex for the first time, Daniel deviously exploits Lauren’s feelings for him, which she recounts to the reader in horrifying detail.

“Thank you, Lauren, for giving me this gift,” he said, staring into my eyes. “I’ll never forget this for the rest of my life. This will be our special secret forever.”

Like so many victims of sexual abuse, 15-year-old Lauren Muchmore carries a heavy secret put on her by an adult.

Unfortunately, this type of manipulation transcends all types of abuse. It also doesn’t matter if it’s a teacher, a parent or a close family friend: when a child is asked to keep a secret, it’s a sure sign that an adult does not want to get caught doing something they shouldn’t be doing in the first place.

The Dangers of Secrets

So parents, talk to you kids about the dangers of keeping secrets. Explain to them the difference between a good and bad secret: keeping secret a surprise birthday party is good; keeping secret something that makes you uncomfortable, or so someone won’t get in trouble, is bad.

Thankfully for the Toronto teen, he listened to his uncomfortable feelings and told his mom and sister when the relationship with his teacher got too overwhelming. As a result, his former teacher, Mary Gowans, 42, was charged with sexual assault, sexual interference and sexual exploitation of the boy from June 1, 2009, to Jan. 10, 2010. And it doesn’t surprise me one bit that she used some of the same words to manipulate her student that my fictional antagonist, Daniel Krum used to manipulate 15-year-old Lauren.

Read the full story from the Hamilton Spectator  - ‘Never tell anyone’: Student describes sex play with teacher.

Have you read my book? Readers say that my novel – LITTLE 15 – is “captivating,” “provocative” & “hard to put down.” Rated 5 stars, LITTLE 15 is available through Amazon, Barnes & Noble and other fine book sellers. You can also add it to your shelf on Goodreads. Reviews ALWAYS welcome.

Coming soon – The LITTLE 15 Book Trailer!

Approval Addiction

It’s starts with something subtle, something that we believe is an insignificant preference.

Go on. Shake those trees. Image courtesy of Dave R. Farmer, WANA Commons.

No, we don’t mind eating Mexican tonight even though we had it for lunch. Sure, I’ll go see the funny movie although I was eyeing the melodrama …

We push aside what we believe are small desires to make room for the wants and needs of others, to avoid rocking the boat … shaking the trees … upsetting the leaves.

The problem is, if we continue to surpress what we want, over and over again, it leads to bigger things, like …

Yes, I’ll watch your two noisy kids even though I’ve got four noisy kids of my own. Or yes, of course we’ll be there on Thanksgiving, even though we secretly desire to start our own tradition, in our own home and around our own table. Or yes, you can drink, as along as you don’t embarrass me and get out of control like all those times before.

We lean, we bend and strain to mold ourselves to fit the expectations of others, so they won’t get mad, so they won’t get cross. So they won’t kick and scream like a toddler wanting his way or hand us a platter of guilt, freshly garnished with spite and contempt.

But when, then, in this self-deprecating cycle, does it ever become our turn?

When will what we truly want, what we truly desire, ever count?

Speak up.

Back to Basics: Make Writing Your Next Novel a Priority

I’ve got ducks quacking all over the place. Image courtesy of CC MacKenzie, WANA Commons.

In today’s digital world, authors have a tough job. In order to stay competitive, we’ve got to blog, manage our social media networks, promote our books, engage with readers, network within our industry and somehow get in a decent night’s sleep. Throw in a family and kids, and you’ve got the recipe for some crazy making –  and zero time for writing.

Here’s the million-dollar question that’s been plaguing my mind: With all those balls in the air, how and when does an author actually have the time to WRITE? I mean, isn’t writing the very thing that got us here in the first place?

The Golden Age of Social Media

Back 10 years ago, back before the golden age of social media, I was writing nonstop. Sure, I had the big corporate job and all, but outside of working hours, my husband and I pretty much had a lot of free time at our disposal. So I wrote – before work, after work and on the weekends – pumping out two novels and a screenplay in about five to six years.

During those years (between the novels, the screenplay and corporate freelancing), my husband I were blessed with two sons. And finding time to write got harder and harder and harder. And then last fall, I started blogging, tweeting my tail off on Twitter and face-booking – all while editing LITTLE 15 for release in January.

Hitting my Limit

Needless to say that over the last couple years, I haven’t had much time to write a new novel. And that scares the you-know-what out of me. Because writing is what got me here in the first place; writing novels is my passion, not tweeting, face-booking or even blogging. Writing novels stirs the fire in my soul and if I don’t get back to it … if I don’t make a conscious effort to figure out how to make it a priority again in my life, then I might has well close up my blog, take LITTLE 15 off the market and go home.

But you and I both know I could not – and would not – ever do that.

So that’s why I’ve put together a plan to make writing my next novel a priority – a plan that I believe can also help other writers, facing the same time crunches as me:

1.  Set a start date – even if your ducks aren’t quietly lined up in a nice little row.

Mine was Monday, August 27 – the day my kids officially went back to school. Unfortunately, I didn’t end up writing those first words on my new manuscript (a.k.a. MS) until Thursday of that week. And that’s OK. The important thing is that I’m actively working on a novel again – even though I don’t feel 100 percent ready (I still have more research to do! The plot needs tweaking! In fact, I’ve got ducks quacking all over the place!). But as I told a fellow writer last week, it doesn’t matter if you’re ready or not – you’ve got to just begin where you are and not where you think you should be. You’ll never be ready. I’ll never be ready, because this third time around, I know better. I know the energy writing a novel takes. And I’ll admit, it scares me. But fear can turn into a fire-breathing dragon if you let it,  so I’ve decided to trust the story and begin writing it down.

2. Reevaluate your commitments.

During the summer I made the decision to take a break from teaching Sunday school during the 2012-2013 school year. This was a tough one. I always told myself that if I was doing God’s work, He would help me accomplish all the things that I needed to get done. But I don’t think God wants me exhausted, either – especially because I’m a mother. And since my no.-1 priority in my life is to be fully present for my sons, it’s imperative that I make temporary adjustments in my schedule for writing this next book. I can always go back to teaching Sunday school next year or the year after. Just like any new fledgling career, there comes the time when you must reevaluate your priorities and  focus – and do your best not to let guilt get in the way.

3. Learn to say no.

I came very close last week from trading one volunteer commitment (teaching Sunday school) for another. The PTA had a couple open board positions at my son’s school. And I got excited. I love his school and I really like the person who was recruiting me. But in the end, I knew that if I took the position, I wouldn’t be fair to myself. I have a job to do. I have a book to write. And it’s OK to say no.

4. Protect your writing time.

Set regular office hours. When people know you work from home, they often don’t realize that “dropping” by can be a big disruption. But it is. Writing requires a tremendous amount of focus, and even the UPS guy ringing your doorbell can break your stride. So tell your friends and family that they are not allowed to stop by during your scheduled work time. Turn your ringer off. Let them machine answer the phone. This is your work space, this is your work time and by golly, you’ve got a job to do.

5. Put social media and blogging – second.

Sorry, but I’m writer who blogs, not a blogger who writes. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy blogging and connecting with my readers. So much so that I could easily slip into a routine of doing nothing but. Blogging has expanded my reach and platform as an author, improved my writing skills and has helped me cultivate new friendships. But I can’t let it overtake my world. Not if I want to write that next best-seller.

On the other hand, blogging and social media are now permanent parts of an author’s job description. And actually, blogging and social media have helped open doors and create new opportunities for authors that never existed before. Importantly, social media and blogging have helped bridge the gap between authors and readers. No longer do we need a big publisher to facilitate that relationship for us. It’s given us more control.  So we can’t drop the ball. In fact, we must step up our game, while also churning out books. We must adapt, we must evolve. We must find ways to Do. It. All.

For those of you who follow my posts regularly, you’ve probably noticed some subtle changes to my blogging and the frequency of my posts. Don’t worry – I’m not going anywhere. I love what I’ve built here and it will continue it, but I’ve got to start finding new and better ways to deliver quality information in shorter, my effective increments. In other words, I want to add innovation into my blogging and really press the limits of my creativity. That’s why I’ve created the Note to Self series and will be looking for ways to bring you move, with less. I figure that this is really a win-win for both of us – if you get more from me in smaller, easier bites, then perhaps you’ll have more time to read my stuff. I like to think of it as a slight adjustment, although you’ll still get me in heavier doses, like this post, from time to time, too.

6. Set a deadline for your first draft.

Whether or not you have an agent or publisher breathing down your neck, it’s good to set a deadline for your first draft. I self-impose deadlines on myself all the time. (Whether I always make them is another story!) For this next book, I’d like to have a rough first draft in my agent’s hands by the end of the year. I originally set it for May, but decided to up the ante a bit. I might not reach it – only time will tell. But if I can deliver that first draft by the end of the December – no matter how rickety it might be – I will have pushed myself beyond a personal limit. We’ll see how it goes.

7. Take your writing seriously (so others will too).

Writing is my job. I can’t blow it off every time a friend invites me to lunch (although it’s always tempting). But it’s not all about caving to other people, either. We writers have to be careful not to cave to our own ways of procrastination. Are you surfacing the Internet instead of researching the time period for your book? Are you more preoccupied with getting Freshly Pressed than meeting your daily word count on your MS? (Fine, I’ll admit it – I secretly would LOVE to get Freshly Pressed!) Writing takes time – and energy. It’s not something that can be done on the fly. It takes considerable concentration and focus. And it also takes guts – guts to put yourself out in a place where most people wouldn’t dare go. So go and do your thang. Push the envelop on your creativity and give it the time that it deserves. And trust me, after a few weeks of putting in the work, you’ll start to see your page count grow, one word at a time. (I say that to you just as much as I say that to myself.)

How do you ensure that writing outside social media and blogging stays a priority in your life? How do you balance blogging with novel writing? Which in your opinion should come first? 

Note to Self — #4

Even if you think you’ve got nothing to be thankful about … find it. For it’s through gratitude that we attain true abundance.

And now, I give you a poem …

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Note to Self — #3

Note to Self — #2

Note to Self — #1

Note to Self — #3

Unless you want a mouthful of bugs …

Do you have a Note to Self to share? Send them my way.

Note to Self — #2

Note to Self — #1

Note to Self — #2

Dear readers,

Today I’m introducing a new series on my blog called Note to Self - my thoughts on life, written on a sticky note, captured in a photo and delivered to you. Quick one-liners that you can read on the fly, yet ponder the day through. (I tried this out last week and got a great response on Twitter and Facebook. By the way, have you “liked” my Facebook page??)

You can think of this as my way of bringing you quality content in a tighter, time-saving package. You’ll still hear from me in longer stretches, but the frequency of my posts will hopefully increase; yet the object here is not to inundate you with thousands upon thousands of words. So sit back and enjoy as I share with you the things I remind myself about almost every day. My hope is that somewhere along the way you’ll find something that resonates with you, too.

How do you motivate yourself to stay positive and optimistic? Do you have an inspirational thought that would make a good Note to Self? I’m taking submissions!

Note to Self  — #1

5 Ways to Coerce Your Husband to Never Take a Guy’s Trip Again

OK, folks. It’s Monday morning and I can already tell it’s getting way to serious up in here, so let’s have some fun.

So over the weekend, my husband went on a trip to commemorate a friend’s upcoming nuptials. (Fine, he went on a freakin’ bachelor party trip, OK? Are you happy now?! You don’t have to remind me that it’s got the “Hangover” written all over it!)

Instead of complaining how he left me with two rambunctious boys, ages 3 and 7, and a mentally unstable cat who constantly cries for canned chicken and fresh water from faucet, I’m going to share what I did to ensure that he won’t be taking another guy’s trip for a long, long time. (Plus, I’m working with the Law of Attraction here, so I don’t want any of this sh*t coming back at me, kapish?)

The secret here is not to guilt your spouse – oh no. That’ll just make him want to go plan his next trip pronto. The key, my lovelies, is to subtly coerce him into believing – on his own – that you had more fun back home while he was off tromping around with a bunch of smelly guys. In other words, show ‘em all the good stuff he’s missing while he’s away.*

1. Text him pics of you all dolled up.

Girls’ night out? Send him a self portrait before you leave.

I don’t care if you are up to your forehead in barfing or screaming kids, go take a shower and get yourself looking hot. I’m talking full makeup and hair. Then send him a self portrait, telling him your about to “go out.” Even if you don’t have anywhere to go, do it anyway. But definite bonus if you grew some girl balls and arranged for a girl’s night out while someone watches your monsters kids. I know, not easy, but when he gets the hot pic of you, he’ll feel it all the way down to his groin the entire weekend through.

2. Spend his money.

Actually, you really don’t have to spend a “dime” for this one. Just shoot him a text that says “How much $$ do we have in the bank? About to make big purchase.” Then call him (because you k now he’s not going to pick up in front of his friends),  but don’t leave a message. Then conveniently avoid answering you’re phone or texts for the next few hours to induce the most fear as possible in him that you are emptying the checking account on a new Louis (and I’m not talking the fake kind here.)

3. Send cute pics of you and the kids having fun family time – without him.

Send him cute family pics to remind him of all the love he’s got waiting for him back home.

Even if you are about to pull your hair out or on the verge of locking your kids away in their rooms, DON’T LET ON. As far as he knows, the kids are angels and sending him family pics will pull at his heart strings and make him wish he was right there with you. Oh and don’t forget to do your makeup and hair. Slap the kids in the front of the TV if you have to, for gosh sake.

4. Open up your bed to your kids.

I’m talking open season in mommy’s and daddy’s bed – stuffed animals, blankies and all. Then send him a pic of everyone cuddled up together. And if you want to take it one step farther, send him a pic of the kid who looks most like him sleeping in your bed and say that he’s been replaced by his mini me. Not only will this stir his paternal instinct seeing his slumbering little devil angel, but it will serve as a subtle reminder that he’ll be the one to reprogram them to sleep in their own beds when he gets home. Works wonders.

Slumbering angel in your bed? Send him a pic.

5. Avoid making a big deal on the pics he texts you.

I don’t care if he looks “hot” and ruggedly handsome in the pic he sends you of himself in the woods. Whatever you do, DO NOT let on that you miss him. Absolutely not. Remember, you want him to think you can handle everything just fine while he is gone – and that includes any inkling of you missing him. Because if you let on just even a teeny weeny bit that you’re lonely for him when he’s not there, your entire sexy bad girl cover will be blown. So stay strong.

No, this ruggedly handsome photo that my husband sent me didn’t remind me one bit of why I fell in love with him. Nuh uh, no way.

How do you ensure that your spouse never wants to leave you and the kids for more than a couple days? How do you remind him of what he’s missing?

*I want to thank my husband of nearly 14 years for inspiring this post after teaching me most of these techniques when I took a girls trip last year to New York. Not only did I cry every single day that I was gone because I missed my family so damn much, but I haven’t planned a girl’s trip since. So obviously, these tactics work like a charm.

The Law of Attraction: If Oprah Believes in It, So Can You

About a year and a half ago I adamantly told my agent over coffee that when I got published, I would speak at writers’ conferences, book clubs and the like, and read excerpts of my novels to readers everywhere.

Eight months into my journey as a published author (and numerous 5-star reviews later), I can cross nearly all of these aspirations off my list. I regularly speak now at book clubs, and come October, I will give my first speech as published author to an audience of writer hopefuls at the Collin College Writers’ Conference in Dallas.

Please, someone pinch me.

But let me be clear: I’m not telling you this to boast (although I’m pretty damned excited about the conference!). I’m telling you this in a spirit of gratitude and because I can sense something very powerful at work in my life.

You see the thing is, I didn’t have to lift a single finger to land any of these opportunities. That’s right. All of these opportunities – one by one – have literally come knocking at my door.

*scratches head*

In other words, in this saturated world of publishing where I’m one of thousands of authors, people are coming out of the wood work, inviting me to speak at this or that – and I don’t even have a publicity firm working on my behalf. (But what writer does these days? OK, may be J.K. Rowling or Dan Brown, but I digress …)

So is all this good stuff happening with my career just a coincidence or a temporary stroke of luck?

A year ago, I would have said yes. These are all just a lucky breaks that will soon fade once the planets realign themselves or the universe decides I’ve had enough good stuff come to my life to last me awhile.

But now, after watching a film called “The Secret” my belief on what’s occurring in my life is dramatically different than what I would have believed even a couple months ago.

The Law of Attraction

According to The Secret, the Law of Attraction is constantly at work in our lives, with every thought that virbrates through us. In essence, what we think – whether good or bad – gets pulled back to us in its parallel. So according to the Law of Attraction, all these book club and speaking opps that are suddenly falling in my path have nothing to do with coincidence but everything to do with what I’m magnetizing into my world.

You alone hold the power to attract good into your life by the very virtue of your thoughts. Image courtesy of Peter Koevari WANA Commons.

Yes, you read that correctly and no I’m not losing it. In fact, I’ve never felt so clear-headed in all my life.

Without even realizing it, over the last few months I’ve been passionately visualizing myself speaking in front of groups about my novel, LITTLE 15. I’ve literally had little movies going on in my head. But I don’t stop there. When I daydream about receiving a standing ovation after a speech or about a line of readers wrapped around a book store waiting for me to sign their books, I don’t just see it, I FEEL it.

I feel every single emotion that those moments would invoke in me, sometimes even bringing me to tears. Not because I’m sad that it hasn’t happened yet, but because I’m feeling the profound joy of  having it in my life.

Sound crazy? May be even a little hokey?

You can think that – I don’t mind. Because that’s your thoughts and not mine, and the Law of Attraction says the only thoughts that can affect me – positively or negatively – are the ones going on right now in my mind. Sound familiar? Kinda like the only thing we can control is ourselves?

Watch The Secret. It’s a 90-minute film that will change your life, or at least how you think about your life. Oprah believes in it, too (and I happen to think that Oprah’s the bomb). In fact, a few years ago Oprah dedicated an entire episode of her show to the Law of Attraction. She invited a whole panel of philosophers, metaphysicists, renown authors and doctors to share their own experience with The Secret. And let me tell you, it was pretty dang powerful.

Thank you to my dear friend and talented artist JR Rapier for introducing me to The Secret, as well as The Artist’s Way – two powerful tools that have enriched my life to no end.

The Secret Film (first 20 minutes)

The Secret on Oprah

Oprah on How the Law of Attraction Has Worked in Her Life (Larry King Live)

Note to Self — #1

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